Dearest

In the past few days my life has been completely hard to deal with. I lost my grandpa on Wednesday afternoon, the only grandparent that I had left. I didn't want to go through all the details but one thing for sure is in a past few days it was very difficult to cope with this lost feeling. Grandpa and I were so close since grandma pass away in 2001. I know that he knew that I loved him but I wish he knew how much I really loved him. It's a big lost for our family especially to my mom, I never ever want to experience this kind of feeling NEVER EVER. I always tell my parents that please let me die before them because I know that I don't have that kind of strengths to watch them leave before me. I wanted to go back to Thailand, to accompany my mom but she said there's no point in going back since they are going to cremate him this Sunday.

I still remember when I called my mom on Wednesday after I got home from uni, I had tons of story to tell her about my day. I said hi to her with an extremely cheerful voice "hi mom", then mom replied "Grandpa already pass away 2 hours ago". All of the sudden I felt like vomitting and kept asking her "how come you didn't tell me earlier..huh mom how come you didn't tell me earlier". I know it was a silly thing to say at that stage but I didn't know what else to say, all I heard was mom was crying hard out and said that she has to pack up and go to grandpa's house and she will talk to me later. Up until today, everytime I think of when my mom said 'grandpa already pass away', I just get goose bump right away and to tell you the truth I hate it so much.

At least I keep telling myself that now he's with grandma and they both are watching and smiling at us from up there. He's in a good hand now, I know that he will look after my family and always guide me to do good things. I love you grandpa...